I always love seeing the sign “Welcome To Canada” especially after a twelve hour drive that should have been eight. You learn a lot about yourself on a drive that’is long enough already but swollen an extra third. It’s like a parent daring to fly by themselves with two kids under three. You plan it for weeks in advance slightly altering their sleeping and eating schedule until it looks as if they will feed just before take off and then immediately pass out for two and a half hours, waking up only in time for the three year old to walk off the plane. You board the flight safely, arrive at the bulk head seats you requested and see there is an extra seat. You breath deeply and look back at all the nice things you did that week and vow to do more because the pay off is huge. You feed the kids, give the oldest a bottle, buckle him in, cover him in a blanket and watch his eyes slowly open and close until he surrenders to sleep. Then you nurse the baby until she snores, you look around to find a friendly face to blurt out that the baby , always a light sleeper has never snored before, sure you might even be able to read your book! You pat yourself on the back and think about how the tantrum your three year old had last week left you in tears and second guessing if you were cut out for parenthood at all and now people in the seat in front of you are turning around to say how beautiful and well behaved your children are. As if in slow motion you realize everyone has boarded the plane, they’ve closed the doors and the kids have been asleep for fifteen minutes already, this is really cutting into your plan. You hear the click of the loudspeaker and as much as you are willing them to say take off is imminent, they are telling you there is slight engine trouble, nothing to worry about, but everyone must remain on the plane, it shouldn’t take more then a few hours. You sit there in shock as the attendant passes out free drinks, while you’d like to down the whole cart, instead you eat five packages of pretzels to carb load and steel yourself for the glares the people in front of you are going to give you in exactly two hours when your kids wake up and you haven’t left the ground yet. Who am I kidding? My drive was nothing like that, in fact now it’s feeling like it could have been the best twelve hours of my life.
Alright I give in, I am going straight to the drugstore and buying every = variety of vitamin B, C , D and Iron I see. Yesterday we lost an hour to = daylight savings time and all that means is there’s one hour less to = snatch=20 all those nutrients from the sun which incidentally is also killing us. = It’s so confusing this whole business of what to eat, what to drink and = whether=20 to slather 30 or 40 SPF sunscreen over every inch of your body. Eat fish = they say , not red meat and definitely not chicken ( especially the ones = with three heads). But heaven forbid it’s tuna or salmon, they’ve got = enough mercury to make you a walking thermostat. Drink wine, red not white and = no=20 more then two glasses a day. If you have a sip more, then the valves en=20 route to your heart will go from being joyfully roomy and sturdy to=20 resembling the sides of a blow up kids pool after it’s been poked apart = by=20 birds and is slowly deflating. They tell you to eat dark chocolate and = all=20 of a sudden it’s a diet craze, with people packing on the pounds, “oh” = they=20 say “we forgot to say only eat 1.6 ounces a day- sorry about that”. = Sorry is all they can say to the people who after quitting smoking not only have = to=20 deal with the pangs of nicotine withdrawal but cocoa from the chocolate = as=20 well. I guess the additional chocolate addiction is better then some of = the=20 other stop smoking aids. I know a woman who has been chewing Nicorette = gum=20 for twenty years- longer than she ever smoked and she chews a pack a = day.=20 Yes that’s right, a pack a day for twenty years, you could build a = school in Africa for that amount of money. So you think you are on the straight-and-narrow, eating well, getting enough fibre, drinking enough water, = getting=20 enough sleep (but not too much, that’s even worse), but still the = thought of going to the gym makes your head spin like the chick in the Poltergeist=20 movie. Then you turn on the news and there are pictures of Katie Holmes = ( a=20 mother of a toddler) standing at the finish line of the New York City=20 Marathon and then two hours later not only standing but smiling at her=20 husband’s movie premiere and it hits you, forget the drugstore- you’re = going straight to the Scientology center and signing up! The long term health=20 effects of religious cults haven’t yet been pinpointed , but hey it = can’t be worse then trans fats.