Dav’s Column - February 28, 2009

Author: dav  |  Category: Uncategorized

As much as I can, I try to avoid watching anything on TV  that has a plane crash in it, crazy tumors that grow overnight and blind you, and super unlikely places where germs fester and conspire to kill every cell in your body — because I just don’t need to add any fuel to the fire that is my imagination. So in the past whenever anyone brought up how incredible the airplane crash survival show ” Lost” is I just tried to tune them out, but after a certain point I couldn’t stand my own cowardice anymore so I decided to cover my eyes during the plane crash part and give it a try. The entire first episode I sat curled up in a  ball, with my eyes sewn shut  and my fingers stuffed in my ears but I could still hear the thunderous tear that rips apart their plane. With some pretty believable heart palpitations already in  motion, I threw my hands up on the air and forced myself to watch it, episode after episode with a million  flash backs to the plane and how it appeared to each passenger. After the fourth episode or so these scenes stopped terrifying me, they just helped put all the pieces of the puzzle together and curiosity won out over fear. Then I got on my first flight since watching twenty four episodes back to back and the fear and the palpitations were back in full force and all I could think was “getting on this plane was a very, very bad idea”.  I studied the face of every single passenger to assess if they would be a good ally if stranded on a desert island or if they would turn into a drug addicted, gun toting food thief. Every bump and tumble I braced the armrest for impact, sweating and breathing like I was in labour while everyone else around me laughed at  the beyond ridiculous movie about Chihuahuas  on TV. When the cart stopped in the aisle right beside me to give out drinks, I cursed under my breath like a mad woman going” you’re blocking my path to the emergency exit” .  I remembered in the show they were heading to LA and so was I.  Why in the world was everyone else so calm? When we finally landed safe and unscathed, I gave myself a talking to in the mirror of the airport bathroom and resolved to stop being such a grade  A idiot. This worked until a few days later when I boarded a flight to Nashville — just after seeing the plane crash in Buffalo on the news, driving by a car wreck on the freeway to the airport where the car blew up as I passed it, and realizing it was Friday the thirteenth. If I was that random guy who had to sit next to me on that flight I would have made it my mission to make sure that crazy lady (aka me) never watched “Lost” again.   Good thing he doesn’t know I am packing my bags to get on a flight so I can go home and watch the rest of season two, it’s just that good.

 

Dav’s Column - February 21, 2009

Author: dav  |  Category: Uncategorized

People say you are either a dog person or a cat person, but for most of my life I fit into another category entirely. I have to admit I was neither. This began the day a little black and white kitten came into our lives when I was about six or seven years old and like any other kid of that age I was beyond excited to welcome a new fuzzy, furry addition to the family. We named her Higgins after the moustached butler on Magnum PI and the first few hours played out like the end of a Sunday afternoon Disney Movie with everybody smiling and laughing. My sister instantly bonded with the cat in the way two hockey players bond, rough and tumble, she would pull a string around in a circle circumnavigating the living room, hall and kitchen, winding the cat into a frenzy , the cat loved every second of it . Just like you can’t describe why certain people do or don’t get along, Higgins didn’t like me from the start, she would lay and wait for me to walk out of the bedroom in the morning and she would pounce just as I passed the hall table, clinging onto my little legs with her claws and biting, chewing and scratching as I screamed in terror and pain. To this day I sleep on my stomach with all of my limbs tucked in tight under the covers because there is nothing quite like the sensation of walking up and an animal (domesticated or not) is gnawing on your arms like beef jerky. Every day for twelve years I woke up bracing myself for the next cat attack and needless to say this gave me a somewhat irrational fear of animals. As an adult there was no way on earth I ever considered getting a pet. Yet somehow today I find myself making baby talk to a two year old calico cat that has the biggest amber eyes I’ve ever seen and she’s in my house, or should I say, her house. My husband loves cats and really wanted one, so I figured I would go check out a shelter when he was away and that way he wouldn’t be disappointed when we left empty handed - the last thing I expected was to fall in love at first sight. It was the strangest sensation, we just found each other, she’d been there for a year and a half, the longest of any of them and my guess is she had given up on going anywhere else. I am not sure what her life was like before but it was obvious she was scared too. To the shock of the workers she came out of her cage and right up to me and that was it, she was mine and I was hers. On our drive home the snow stopped, the sun came out, ,the ice began to melt and my big black heart got a lot more colorful.

Dav’s Column - February 14, 2009

Author: dav  |  Category: Uncategorized

First I investigated whether I had an attack of seasonal affective disorder, then I checked to make sure I had taken all my vitamins, then I skipped to the end of my book just to make sure my subconscious wasn’t telling me my favourite character was going to die unexpectedly( he doesn’t ,but now I know too much to read the middle of it), because the last few days I have found myself reaching up to my eyes to find a little unexpected moisture.. For instance, last night I started watching the concert for Barack Obama and before I knew it I was weeping, this was not the official long awaited inauguration, but an odd parade of celebrities, with bad audio and weird song/artist combinations that left me scratching my head for the most part, so the last thing I was expecting was to be wiping my eyes but when Pete Seeger walked out with his banjo and his stripped off kilter hat to sing ” This land is your land” the waterworks came. To be alive and a witness to one of the most historic things to ever happen in America is simply overwhelming, yet like anything good, I generally work with  the rule of “don’t believe it till you see it” and I guess these last few months since the election I forgot to emotionally prepare myself for the beauty of this day. So to launch a counterattack on the wellspring I had no choice but to jump on the internet to watch some of the amazing montages of Bush’s most profoundly idiotic gaffs and misunderestimations to try and laugh. For the first minute I admit I laughed so hard I almost choked, then I started to bite my fingernails and pull at my hair , to know this isn’t a spoof on Saturday Night Live but  a real person with a wife and daughters  and a mother and father, made me feel a bit sorry for him - something I never thought I’d feel after his invasion and subsequent occupation of Iraq. It’s kinda like finding out the bully at school  who is making your life miserable is just repeating the things that happen to him at home, it doesn’t excuse the behaviour but at least it explains it a little.  Bush was a puppet, dancing on a stage, not knowing until the last act that he wasn’t the hero at all, he was in fact the fall guy for men way smarter than himself. Hopefully, now the world will start to right itself and we can get back to a time when pretzels weren’t considered deadly weapons.

 

Dav’s Column - February 7, 2009

Author: dav  |  Category: Uncategorized

Some days are golden. You open your eyes and it’s just like any other assault of grey skies where you could just as easily fall off a sidewalk into slush, accidentally eat the leftovers in the back of the fridge before realizing they’ve gone bad, really bad or you could lose your job after buying a state of the art pasta making machine you will never use and never be able to resell. So when a day takes prozac sheen all on its own, it’s a complete shocker. Monday is generally not when these lofty good days happen, but then that said, an ok day for a Friday is like the second coming of Borat when it happens on a  Monday, so whether or not today was actually amazing I am not sure, but I enjoyed it with every fibre of my being. Over the past few weeks I’ve been making  a mental note of the things that have been cluttering up my mind like a pack rat’s attic, things I have been putting off for way too long like that pile of clothes on my spare bed, dry cleaning, hemming six pairs of pants that I’ve resorted to  wearing like Lil Wayne, banking, bookkeeping and replacing mascara( do you have any idea how much bacteria is in a tube?). To be honest if I’d have scratched just two things off that list I’d have been happy, instead I got everything done. There wasn’t one line up, I sailed to the counter time and again, I got a parking spot directly out front everywhere I went, everybody said please and thanks and I got 25$ off my bill at Shoppers, which nearly sent me over the edge with giddiness. Reading this back, it doesn’t sound very exciting, in fact it was so boring I almost erased it, but I must stand up for my day, it was simply one of the best I have ever had. I can start again, it’s like a rebirth, having a clean slate, I can be anybody I want to be today, hell I am even up to date with my taxes…now it’s time to make a really, really big mess and I can’t wait.

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